Christmas!

I got the best ornament from a secret santa!!!

I have the best friend in the world!

My best friend lives in Arkansas. She called me tonight and said she wanted to know when I wanted her up here when the baby comes. I told her that I was most worried about having someone here to take me to the hospital when the baby comes. She said then she'll be here. That makes me feel so much better to know that I won't be alone. And she's had a baby plus I totally wouldn't feel bad about screaming or crying or anything with her around.

Even with the good news, I miss my husband. He writes the sweetest emails to me, but nothing compares to having him here. I just miss him terribly.

Tough Day

So much has happened...not sure where to start. I guess the first part is we have had a roller coaster of a month. Drew got offered a job working in Nigeria (6 weeks and 2 weeks home). It was a process of waiting for approvals from each of the partner companies and the staffing company. Then we had to wait for the paperwork to fill out the visa and wait for visa approval. On Monday, he found out the visa was approved, and the company wanted him over there ASAP. Because of the complexity of the situation and the high chance of refusal at any of the prior levels, he hadn't told his boss before. He told him he was quitting. And that they wanted him to leave on Saturday. Thankfully the boss agreed to let him go on Friday.

So we had less than 24 hours to buy all the stuff he needs which included shopping all over town for a hardcase suitcase and for shower shoes (in November in North Dakota). Plus we were both nervous and scared and trying to remember everything. It was so tense and emotional. And I am sure pregnancy hormones have not helped at all.

I didn't help much at all...at least at the airport today. I just couldn't help but cry when I saw him go. I will just miss him so very much. I saved the real big crying for when I got in the car to leave, so I tried to be as strong as I could. But my mind kept thinking of the anniversary and the birthday that I'll be alone and how the house will be so lonely without him. It just came at me all at once. I guess that's why the advice to take one day at a time is so important. Still I know the nights will be quiet and lonely especially. During the day, I can keep busy with stuff. I plan on sorting and throwing and organizing, so that everything is done when he is home.

Bleeding

I haven't updated because I frankly don't like what's been going on. I came home early from work on Friday because I had brown spotting. The nurse line at the RE's office said don't worry unless you're soaking a pad an hour. Well I went to bed and it stopped before 5pm. All good until I woke up Sunday morning. I had light pink bleeding (not spotting). It stopped again before noon. This is driving me crazy. And I have a jam packed week ahead but I still think the ultrasound on the 15th can't get here fast enough. I sure hope everything is OK but there really is no way to know until the ultrasound. And there really is nothing anyone can do either. I'm on tons of progesterone support and that's about the only thing they can do to stop an early pregnancy loss is if your progesterone is low. That's not a problem. So I try not to stress for another 11 days when we hopefully will get to hear a wonderful heartbeat!

7538

Well I guess that number is more than 5000. We have a doubling time of a little over 36 hours. Twins are still a possibility at this point. Our ultrasound will be 10/15 so that's the next hurdle. If we hear the heartbeat and everything is still OK, then the chance of miscarriage drops to 3% so we're ready to tackle that hurdle!

5000

That's what we need to have for a number today. If so, then the HCG is doubling about every 48 hours. I hope this works!

We had a pretty quiet weekend. I do feel naseua on and off but luckily its not gotten to the point of being sick. I am tired but I woke up at 5:30am again today. I am not exactly happy about this new sleep schedule at all. We also looked at a Mercury Mariner this weekend. If hubby works out of town, then I need a vehicle that can fit the dog's crate in it. The Audi A4 just doesn't cut it.

Dreams

Apparently night before last, I had a dream. Hubby said I sat up in bed and looked him and said, "Pink, pink, pink...(giggle, giggle)....there would be large quantities of pink." I have no idea what this means. My brother is having a girl, so I might have thought of that. Or maybe we're having a girl.

For years, I had definite views of wanting a specific gender for a baby, but I think infertility has made me realize that I am so elated to have a baby, I really don't care.

As far as symptoms, I do have some nausea (but not vomiting...thank GOD!). I have been tired, but my sleeping patterns are strange. I want to sleep all day but have problems falling asleep at night and I wake up early (which is so not like me).

1243

That was my beta hcg level. Wow. I'm pregnant. I've never had a positive beta in my life. Now we wait until Monday for the repeat and pray we have good doubling time. They didn't put the message on voicemail until after 1:30pm and hubby was in charge of retrieving the message since we couldn't both hear it during lunch. He was visibly nervous and his tummy hurt all day until the news. Then he said he was walking around like a grinning idiot the rest of the day.

Can you believe I'm finally pregnant? Wow.

The Weekend

We celebrated hubby's birthday this weekend. On Saturday we met my Mum and her roommate halfway in between our cities at my Aunt's house. Had a great meal and hubby got tons of presents from them. I had a little meltdown though, as I started bleeding. I thought for sure this was it. It was bright pink and not just a little. But by the time we took the 1.5 hour drive home, it was done. I was on self-mandated bed rest yesterday on hubby's actual birthday. No bleeding yet.

I have always bled on the progesterone with IUI and IVF cycles. But I'm on 12 mg of estrogen every day too, so I think that might be stopping my period. Guess I will truly have to wait until Thursday to know for sure if this worked!

I don't think it worked

I feel just like I do every other cycle. The bloated and crampy feeling and backache is present. Tomorrow would sort of be my normal day if we count 14 days from supposed ovulation. I'm assuming the estrogen and progesterone will delay that. I feel like such a failure. And I have to wait to Thursday to get the beta for the doctor to tell me all clear and how to go off the meds. I assume they will quit me cold turkey but the estrogen was dialed up on the starting part of it, so maybe they need to dial me down from the 12 pills a day. Guess I'll find out next week.

**sigh**

Nothing

I felt nothing yesterday...no cramping...nothing. I am starting to retain water which is usually the sign that this didn't work.

Is it better to have hope and be crushed if it didn't work? Everyone wants me to have hope and be positive, but in the past that has just crushed me when I get a negative. I have always been the type of person to expect the worst so I'm ready for it. If I'm wrong, then its a great surprise. But everyone says I need to be positive for this to work, so I have no idea. This is very frustrating. I know IVF is a different animal than just trying naturally and even IUIs, but I think my emotions are still the same.

I also feel like our life is on hold. I have one set of plans for if we have kids and another set if we don't. What kind of house we'd have, the car we'd drive, etc. are all dependent on which set of plans. That seems odd but in my mind its too different lives.

I hope this post wasn't too much of a downer, but I think that's just how I'm feeling!

I have a boring life

My excitement today after work is to buy the new Dan Brown book. So with the meds kicking my butt, I intend to go upstairs, wash my hair and get into my pj's to read until hubby gets home from his meeting.

I didn't feel much of anything today on the FET front. I did see a list of the stages an embryos (posted below) so if I'm on track then I'm 5dpt...maybe its completely implanted now so that's why I'm not feeling anything? Well if by some miracle this worked, then the hcg should start kicking my butt round about Thursday. Great....I have to do a presentation at a continuing education class 3 hours away and then drive the 3 hours back. I'll likely not know if its the driving or the hcg that wears me out. :(

0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining, has placenta & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Not much new

I had a regular day at work. I still feel crampy and tired but I know that's likely the meds.

I did get to have a facial tonight. I need it terribly for my acne, but I really like my facial lady. She is fabulous!!! We have great conversations during my time and I think I actually might even relax just a pinch while I'm there. She said no thinking of when I'll get pregnant, but that this is it. I sure hope so, though at the moment, I don't feel any different than normal. I've got like 11 days until beta, but I think I might have to use a HPT on Saturday or at least before the 24th. That is just too long to wait! Though a part of me has only seen disappointment with every pregnancy test, so maybe its better to live in happy obliviousness a little longer. I don't know...

The Weekend is done

Why do weekends go so fast? Especially when we did nothing? I've had 3 hours naps both days, which I needed desparately, did 1 load of laundry and went to church. That's pretty much it. I feel like a total coach potato, but we were gone last weekend to Texas and we had company the weekend before and August was just crazy busy. So I guess we're entitled to it.

I think the progesterone is really kicking my butt. Besides the emotional roller coaster, I'm also exhausted and crampy. The only difference from the other cycles is that the cramps appear to be more central as opposed to on the sides. I also think that could be because I didn't create any eggs this cycle since it was a frozen embryo transfer. No clue. I sure hope I can make it through this workweek to the next weekend!

Hanging in there

My emotions are all over the place. I had this reaction to the progesterone last time too. I just get overwhelmed easily and my poor husband is the brunt of it. I'm hoping that some sleep this weekend will help matters. I did get to talk to my best friend last night (she lives far away now) and she said we need to start planning some girls trips. That made me feel better. I miss her terribly and love traveling so that was a help. Her Mom is ill right now though so I'm not sure how soon we can do our trips.

Speaking of traveling, you may wonder about the title of the blog. Traveling is something hubby and I LOVE! We were married in Scotland and both of us have traveled quite a bit. We were planning a trip to New Zealand for November but that's on hold right now. The job situations and family situations necessitate that. So...I'm off to try to relax and keep this 2 week wait to find out if it works at bay by distracting myself (hopefully)!

Embryo transfer today

I just had my embryo transfer for my first ever frozen embryo transfer. My Reproductive Endocronolgist asked me how I was doing on the progesterone. I told him I was emotional after 5 days on it, and since the last time I was on it I was practically suicidal when I got my negative, I told him I was worried. He said journeling might be helpful (in addition to antidepressants if needed). So this is my attempt at that.

Just some history...I have actually been trying to conceive since January 2005. The partner I was with then was sterile (which we found out after a year of futile trying). I moved on to 5 donor sperm IUIs which were all negatives. That relationship died and I thought I would never be able to have children (or that any of the male species were ever tolerable to live with). In November 2006, I met my wonderful hubby. We were married the next year in Scotland. We started trying right away (even though all my prior tests said I was OK) and no pregnancy. We both got tested again and the only problem was his morphology was a little low but he had really high counts. So we did 3 more IUIs with his sperm and 1 lap on me that found Stage I endo (all doctors say that's not our issue though) and now hubby's sperm levels are all normal with still really high counts but we're still not pregnant. So in April 2008, I did my first IVF with a clinic 3 hours from our home (only one in our state). They retrieved 8 mature eggs and had 100% fertilization. They transferred 3 fabulous quality 3 day embryos and froze 2 of the 3 day embies and culture 2 more to 6 day and froze those. Big Fat f'in Negative. So we decided, it was time to change doctors. I now go to an RE that is 6.5 hours each way from our home but the monitoring is done at my OB/GYNs 15 minutes away. They cultured the 3 day frozens and ended up with 1 blast at 4AB and 1 morula. So we've still got a straw with 2 frozen 6 day blasts. But I'm sure hoping this one works!